Rejuvenating, while seeking inspiration and passion. Our family went through some stuff last year that left us, what felt like in a heap of ashes... completely burnt out emotionally, mentally, and physically. A few days before Christmas I took off work with the plan of taking January off as well. I was physically un-well, and my photography was struggling. Not sure if anyone outside could recognize that it wasn't up to par, but I had lost my inspiration, passion, and desire to shoot with everything else weighing on my shoulders.
Bit by bit we've been piecing things back together - in a sense I feel like this has been my own journey, even though Ryan and I have been recovering together.
In November I was diagnosed with Alpha-1 Antytripsin Deficiency, it's hereditary, many of you know a bit about it after seeing what the condition put our family through caring for my Uncle and Dad for years. The effects for me are nothing like what my Uncle and Dad went through, and prayerfully they never will be! I'm grateful to be seeing a wonderful specialist who is genuinely caring and tested me above and beyond A1AD.
For about two years I've experienced major swelling all over my body, in my mind it's water retention because that is the only way I can describe it - it's extremely painful and uncomfortable and will flare up at any given moment. Generally I would experience 1-2 weeks of relief, but it got to the point I was lucky to be pain free for just one day. This also effected my joints to the point that washing a dish, zipping up a sweater..etc.. was a huge task and painful.
After talking with a friend (my Doctor wasn't helpful and wanted to offer me drugs to 'help'... which did work, but made me sick for days after each dose.) mentioned that her friend had experienced water retention and blamed it on hormones. She cut out red meat, and most dairy and was cured. I decided I had nothing to loose, out went the red meat (I had red meat 4 times a month in small quantities... it was hard to avoid!) and decided to enjoy a healthier eating lifestyle at the same time, so giving up dairy (except for yogurt) wasn't hard to do. It worked!!! Sorry if this next bit is a little TMI, but I was pain free for several weeks, then I noticed that I was supposed to get my period any day now and I didn't have my usual PMS symptoms, sore breasts, moodyness, cramping, insomnia...etc... I started panicking that I was pregnant and then  bam it came, but it was cramp-free, no bloating, light, didn't even notice it! At that point I was convinced that my symptoms were hormone related. Enough to keep me off red meat and dairy! That said, I love, love, love cheese - it ranks up there with my top ten comforts. :) So... there is some cheating, as for red meat... I do not miss it. Aside from the occasional times we do eat it we try to be picky about the kind we actually buy. Eating chicken, salmon, ground turkey, and vegetarian meals contributed to a 11lb. weightloss since January 1st. I feel great, more energetic (probably because I'm pain free), I still struggle with days of depression but I know that's not soley contributed to hormones and eating habits. When you're cooking for your entire family it can be challenging eating on a healthier scale, that's a whole lot of veggies and less carbs, fat, dairy...etc... I'm so lucky to have a husband that jumped right on board with me and has encouraged the healthier lifestyle.
My joints still flare up,  I'm hoping to find out if that's hormonal or something else - seems to be the worst if the weather is wet or cold.
I continue to work on the depression, my past and growing up in ATI is a huge trigger for that. In June we revived the ATI student recovery group and it has been SO good! With over 860 students internationally coming together to heal, grow, share their stories...etc... and collaborating together to create www.recoveringgrace.org a website with our stories, links to our support groups...etc... in some ways I hold myself back from healing because there are places in my life I don't want to revisit, open up about, or it's still so raw just going there I know will open the vulnerability and flood gates that are holding it all in. Bit by bit, we get there. The best part is that I'm going through this with Ryan, someone who knows exactly what it's like to grow up in ATI.
Oh Photography... I have moments where I'll be overwhelmed with love, inspiration, and passion for what I do... and sometimes I'm overwhelmed with all it takes to run your own business and the pressure that comes from the outside to be up on the latest backdrops, props, styles...etc..  I know I have my own unique style, and I"m still learning, even some of the very basic things about photography. I get so caught up in being much like others that I forget my individuality. Often times I'll come across a client that wants to know what I don't have a closet full of props, why I repeat the same backdrops. I'm passionate about taking pictures of real life, and real people - sometimes I'll see props I adore and would love to have, but seriously... that's a weeks pay just to purchase them! My desire is to capture people, not things, and I love people and when I look at them I see all this personality, beauty, and even though there is often insecurities my desire is to hand you pictures in the end that you will be amazed at how others see you and how truly amazing you are! I need to find my way back to my passion, put on the blinders and not get distracted by what other photographers are doing. I'm looking for ways I can pursue this. A year or so back I found a website about photographers who took pictures of people on the streets, and then giving them the image. The stories made me cry, I'd love to do this! I lost the link and no matter how much I've searched I could not find it. :( I remember as a child an article in a Readers Digest about a photographer who took pictures of children with Downs Syndrome, I was awe struck by the images that truly brought out who these little children were inside these bodies they are trapped in. I would love to do this! Single mothers, so many are beaten down and believe they are worthless and ugly - that are REAL people with feelings and desire so much better then life has handed them...a picture says a thousand words, and so many times shows the beauty that we cannot see in ourselves. I remember one single mother then brought her daughter for pictures, at the end I commented on how pretty the mothers eyes were and coaxed her in for a few pictures... it ended up being about five images but when she got them she gasped and said, "You made me look amazing!" I said, "No, you really look like this!" and she does! She came back for more pictures of herself confidently, and I noticed a change in the pictures she posted on facebook, were not just of her child, but of her herself. Her new found confidence in herself pushed her out of the basement suite life and she now is pursuing photography herself. I want to touch lives and hope this year really opens up doors of opportunity to do this beyond my imagination!
It's the end of February... I've taken over two months off of "life" in a sense, I feel my feet landing with my strength as I take steps towards facing this year.
I remember a song I used to sing with my sister Eilidh...
I've been wanderin' 'round in the dark 
Been lost somewhere where no light could shine on my heart 
I have known a pain so deep 
But I know my faith will free me 
And I'll get through this 
 I'll find my way again 
So don't tell me that it's over 
'Cause each step just gets me closer 
 I will get there 
 I will get there somehow 
Cross that river 
Nothing's stoppin' me now 
I will get through the night 
And make it through to the other side 

I've been in these chains for so long 
I'll break free and I'll be there where I belong 
Hold my head up high, I'll stand tall 
And I swear this time I won't fall 
 I will do this 
 No matter what it takes